Let the Credits Roll

My life is your revolving door. 

You play a role to the people. 

You use me to as a prop. 

As if I have no feelings. 

But let me tell you. 

I. Feel. Everything. 

So I am locking my doors. 

I'm calling cur from this little play. 

My set is closing down

I'm mending broken fences

And I am living with out you. 

End Scene. Cue Credits. 

(Trust me, you're not there) 

 

Where are you, Love?

I have looked for you for oh, so long
Searching crowded rooms
Peeking down aisles at the store
Knowing it was all in vain

I tried to replace you, but it's not the same
But I try anyway
Between nameless faces and dirty sheets
To love and lust and back again

Never once did it help, but I just couldn't stop
I searched for you  from high to low
From on my knees with bruises black
That match the ones you gave

But I could not find you, not at all
You weren't in his eyes
Nor were you on his tongue
But I let them have me anyway

I sent out search parties in your name
But they had nothing to show
We looked for you each night and day
But when we'd get close, you'd leave

But today I realized, that I will not find you
For you are  far too gone
I will never know your love
And you will never know me

Now who is more at loss, you ask?
Whose cross is heavier to hold
It's not an answer I can give
For half the story I don't know

I may have wasted precious time
Looking for love you stole
But I found friends along the way
And you are all alone

Old Man

"Old man, please listen to my tale
   for someone needs to hear
The store of a girl with lies so dark
    and oh so many fears

Old man this is important
    not just to me but to you
I know you don't understand
    but trust me you will soon

You is started with broken homes
    which leads to single lives
And judges and courts and child support
    well, you knows as well as I

The woman, she had a temper
    and her fists and words did fly
But she did her best with what she had
   Boy did she try

To fill the shoes that were much to big
    and her feet were much too small
Her frustration needed venting
    call me the punching wall"

"Well little girl where was your dad"
     he tenderly said to me
"Well old man, I couldn't tell you,
    but maybe you could tell me."

A puzzled look did grace his face
    his features stiff and tall
So finally I asked the man
    "do you recognize this at all"I

And I held out a picture of a babe
    fresh from her mothers womb
And a sign saying "Dead daddy,
    please come home from war soon"

"The war has messed me up dear child,
     for I am not your dad ."
I smiled as I said to him,
   "I know sir, I understand.

But you can't blame this on the war
   for we did meet again
Because I used to visit
   until you left me at age ten

A knowing look graced his face
    as he remembered me
"Dear child I am sorry,
      I should have remembered thee"

"Oh it's okay old man," I say
     "I just wanted you to know"
I have a husband now you see,
     and a family of my own

My husband, he adores the kids,
    of which there are two
A little boy and girl, 7 and 9
    neither of which know of you

One day I'll tell them of a man
    who had more important things to do
And then I'll point to my husband and say
   ' I didn't have a daddy like you'

And no amount of words
   will change what is past
I do not seek apologies
   I only needed to ask

If when you go to bed at night,
   you ever think of me
Do you ever think what you've lost
   or did you just believe

That we were better off alone
    and that I'd be alright
Or were you just to busy
    to think of me at night

Did you ever wonder
   If my eyes were brown or blue
Did  ever wonder
   If I looked like you

"But little girl you didn't ask
    any of those today
I can answer all sufficiently
   and help you find your way."

"Old many I didn't need to ask
     to get the answers that I seek
For when you did not recognize
   your smile or your cheeks

I knew that you were fine without me
     and your reasons for being gone
Were that you were much to busy
     to bring a kid a long

And I know that don't miss me
    for when my husband's away
He drops down to his knees at the door
   and hugs those kids all day

You did no such thing right here
   and now I know the truth
You were much to selfish
   Who would need a dad like you

But before I leave, you should know
   that I was never okay.
I always blamed myself
   for why you didn't stay

But thank you for the answers
   for now I can sleep at night
Knowing it wasn't me, but you
   that was too weak to fight

I know now it wasn't me,
   that pushed your love away
You had no love to give
   so I'm glad you didn't stay

So I hope that you are happy
   and I hope the world is kind
For I am finally better
   all is settled in my mind.








 

I am

I am the blood in my veins
I am the beat of my heart
I am the bones under my skin
And I need to see what I am

So I watch as the blood fills the bath
And I feel the beating of my heart for the first time.
And I open my skin to see the white of the bones
And I touch everything

And now that I know what I am
I am gone.

Clean

Garbage lines the streets
    while vultures and thieves stand in line
   waiting to take a bite of he corporate flesh

But you....you are different.

You stand away from the massacre
  and you watch with innocent eyes
  as all that is unholy is exposed.

You see everything

The blood, the fear, the regret.
    they burn images into your retina
    until at night you lie awake with fear
    of what is to come.

Yet everyday you watch

You stand on the outside as they enter,
    your friends, your family, your lovers,
    the thieves, the vultures,
    all feasting on the bleeding propaganda

And you can't take it anymore

You run to the river
    and one by one you pull of the layers of your skin
    veins and bones exposed as you step in
    and you keep going.

You keep going until you're clean.

Change

Who do you trust now?
Now that your teachers are longing
  to be your lovers and denying
  the looks that they've been giving
  and the words that they've been saying
  are just misunderstandings

And where do you turn?
Now that your friends are leaving
   to be with lovers who need them
   at home, and not picking up the
   phone, because the baby needs
  fed and changed

And who do you love?
Now that sex and love and lust are
    one in the same and there is no
    telling what someone wants from you,
    your body, or your mind, or just
    release from time to time

And where do you go?
Now that home has no room
    for you and family is a
    foreign concept, and all that
    you know of home are screams
    and bruises that you hide.

What is the answer?
Now how do we fix something
    that we can't admit is broken.
    Like our trust, and our friendships,
    and our love, and our homes.

The answer.... is change.

Same

My feet move against the pavement

Though blisters form I do not feel them

My hands brush the leaves on the trees

But I do not revel in their texture

My eyes see the beauty of the place

But my mind does not comprehend.

For me it's bland, just shades of the same

I could sip the nectar of the sweetest fruit,

But I would not taste it's flavor 

I could hear a symphony from the heavens

But it would  fall on deaf ears

But I won't feel the pain

And I think I like it better this way

Now that life, and death

And love, and hate, 

And lust, and pain, 

All look the same. 

This House

The walls of this house are cracked
The foundations, well, she's weak
The pains is chipping and the plumbing has seen better days
Nobody wants this house
For she isn't very big
No one comes inside this house
For she isn't very strong
This how knows that she deserves this
After all, who would want such a broken thing
So when the wind comes at night she whispers
"Wind, take me with you."
And the wind obliges
Brick by brick the house blows away
Now all that is left are lonely bits and pieces.
And people walk by and they don't miss her
After all, who would miss such a broken, old place.

Please

Please don't forget me
   when it's done and you've moved on
Please remember us,
  when a new lover sings you new songs
Please keep me in your thoughts
  even if it is in the deepest, darkest parts
Please hold on to me
  between the corners of your heart

Eyes Toward the Skies

Oh my poor sweet girl,
    with your heart in the soil and no flowers will grow
And your eyes stay towards the skies

You've lost him again
    and with him your sense of feeling, of glow
And the warmth that filled your thighs

Oh but girl don't worry
   for you know and nightfall he'll come calling
Under darkness he can love in the lies

And you can pretend, dear girl
    that he is with you, loving you, needing you
And in the morning, when he wakes, it's just a rise


So just wait, my poor sweet girl.
    for they all come back in time, needing what you give
Just keep your eyes toward the skies.

Gone

And in my mind
   we sit on the shore in the tide
And I'm not drowning

And in your eyes
   I'm warm as ice on a January dawn
But you're not shaking

And in your arms
   the're is no worry, no dread
Now I am comfortable

And in the morning
   I lay in my bed, with my memories for dreams
And you are gone

Choosing to Choose not to Choose Anything

We sit on our fences

Getting splinters in our thighs

Stiff and aching muscles

From straddling all the lines

Too afraid to make a change

So we jump from side to side

Wavering in our loyalties

Keeping and equal divide

We grasp at our indecision

While we fight for the right to choose

We stomp our feet and wave our signs

Because we have nothing to loose

And we pretend that we are strong

And that we stand fast and stand tall

While our legs are bloody and impaled

From fences we're scared to fall

So we keep up this facade

Day after day after day

Until the breath that leaves our longs

Gives our final choice away. 

Innocence Renewed

Rip it out, 

    the blood, the veins, the bones. 

Dig your fingers into your skin

    

And feel it.

Feel what you are, 

    feel your impermanence in this place.

And weep with regret that burns your soul.

Then fix it.

Rewire your veins,

   reassemble the bones.

Drink the new blood from the well

Then go

Go and walk with the living

   knowing that you are clean

Knowing that you are new

Now live.